Grade Release, the Disappearing of the Book into the Drainage and the Identity Crisis of an average 19-year-old girl on a Christmas Morning

Writing is hard, no doubt. As of right now, I am sitting at my aunt's dining table, writing those lines of confession, still feeling all stuck and choked for ideas to write.

Writing is one thing, but let us not forget along with that comes comprehension, cohesion, grammar, choices of language, and plenty more to put into consideration before hitting the "Publish" button at the top right of the screen. As someone who is too familiar with such lengthening concerns like those and ends up not getting any jobs done in a timely manner, I am furious and can't help but question: how could someone produce work sufficiently, but also professionally with the right stream of logic and an adequate amount of fluffiness in languages? How could one save the unnecessary time to prepare for a perfect article in all due aspects, all the while giving that perfect article without a trace of struggling? There's not a single reason not to say that I am not excessively lingering to find the right words, and writing terribly at every single sitting.

At times like this, I keep coming back to the wise words that I collected from Ali Abdaal's vlog, where he also quoted from Austin Kleon, the author of the book Show Your Work. He said: "Writing is actually not just a way of communicating with the world, it's actually a way of communicating with yourself, because the simple act of sitting down in front of the keyboard for 45 minutes or pulling out your notebook for a half hour-what ever it is-you are creating space in the day for you to connect with what's here (pointing towards his head) and figure out what's going on. [...] That's something that the beginner has to get over very quickly, the idea that 'well, i don't have anything to say, what am I going to blog about.' It's like the pressure and the routine and the muscles of blogging every day, means that you will get to something every day."

"You will get to something every day" is kind of vague, but I will accept that and swallow the advice for now, with a hearty vow that I will try to offer something on a daily basis.

It was an odd day, the 25th of December, 2024. I woke up at 11:38 AM, but the day wouldn't necessarily kick off at this time. It was not until 4:30 AM that I actually fell asleep to the casual rise-and-shine. Long story short, I checked my transcript status after the hygienic routine I always do every morning. I took 5 classes this Fall, and for the record, so far It's been good grades on the whole list. Little big surprise since I was worrying so much about Calculus. I didn't do well on both Midterm 3 and Final. One more on Intro Stats for Business and I can put the document on display for the parties interested to take further inspection. Unfortunately, chances are what was expected to be a straight A list might end up with a little margin of error set up by a B. I didn't think too much on what an odd B would do to my life further on, but honestly, it would be so much better if it was one letter grade higher up on the hierarchy.

And so that was all with the transcript prophecy. As usual, I dramatized every short trip to the auntie's house in the neighborhood and brought a handful of stuff, including a phone and a book. By handful, I actually meant holding them singlehandedly. What tragically happened was that when I got out of the car, Hard-boiled Wonderland and End of The World slipped right off my hand, and along with it the McNally Jackson bookmark that I got for free from the independent bookseller in New York and the pair fell into the unfathomable void of the drainage that accidentally presented at my feet (completely out of nowhere). There it went, disappeared in a matter of milliseconds. Just imagine how disappointed I was. In fact, a good 3 hours later passed and I couldn't still believe what had happened.

It was not accidental that I wrote in a Murakami manner today. In memory of the lost world of literature down the sewage, I decided to make a tribute. Only half accomplished and all was lost, just a fleeting thought of regret for what was worthy now has gone to waste. But amazingly, it is coincidental that a book that wrote about the Underworld of Kappas and Inklings ended up being down there, perhaps where it belongs to be.

Then, what was with the identity crisis? Honestly, I wish I did better, on school, on grades, on handling life with two hands and two sides of the brain rather than just one and a hemisphere. Even watching an educational/informational/academic video on YouTube feels like rigorous work. It was a vicious circle of encountering an unfortunate event, self-blaming, overthinking, wallowing and repeat. It was not proactive at all, but rather... reactive.

But it was Christmas y'all. I thought to myself, what could a little loss do to my little life? Ain't it amazing that after all that happened, I got to leverage past mistakes into meaningful life lessons, start over again, and become a better person? It is more adjustable when you think there's always something in the faults to be recycled into usable devices. So, rather than whining, you could have just laughed it off and moved forward (though it is not so easy as it sounds).

Briefly speaking, I believe at this point in the article, it is fair enough to classify this as 'long' for a casual daily reflection. For the famous saying must go on: "Do it scared. Do it tired. Do it unprepared. Just do it." I am unsure if it is in that order accordingly, but the quintessential of the quote remains intact. As much as I am scared of my terrible writing being exposed to the www (the Wide West World), it is also very exciting to put my work out there. It just is. I know I did it scared, tired and unprepared today, but I did it.